If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
