i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
