God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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