i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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