Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
