Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
