My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
