I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
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the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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