I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
