I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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