ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
