I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
