I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
