my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I need to stop coming to work sober
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one