I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
