I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
