I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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