You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize
