You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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