so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
