First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
