just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
