my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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