My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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