So drunk its hurt
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The uberlube is also flammable
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
