Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
