He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
