lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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