Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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