Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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