Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize