So drunk its hurt
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
