just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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