Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
