Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I fill condoms, not promises.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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