I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We're too hungover to prance.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
