i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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