He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
