I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
