No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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