He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
