I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
