i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
