My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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