You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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