u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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