I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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