oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear