Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME