do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
