i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
