I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
