you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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