fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
