I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
