I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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