Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
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Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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