she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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