My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
