Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
