Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How external is "for external use only"?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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